Emails to Yuri
Yuri, you know I’m quite fed up with those boy bands – could you use your mind control to make them play better music? A mind is a terrible thing to waste, and so is music!! If you want to take over the world, please at least do something about those boy bands whilst you’re at it! Redfann91
My dear Redfann, if your greatest concern is the plight of your beloved ‘boy bands’, I fear that a mind is indeed a terrible thing to waste. When I unleash my Psychic Dominator in the backstreets of the world, there will be no need for boy bands, bad music or free will. Simply surrender to me so that we may be in sync and can turn feeble boys into men. Kind regards,Frankly, Yuri Prime, that symbol on your head looks disturbing. Did you draw it on with a marker, or is it a tattoo? Do little kids laugh at you? IrishFries
Dear Matt, Any discomfort my ‘symbol’ causes you will soon pass once you surrender your will to me. And rest assured, you will submit… And yes, little children used to laugh at me, until I fed them into my Grinder… Sincerely Dear Yuri Prime, As an older brother, I’ve been wondering whether, when you were a child, you would use mind control on your parents and siblings to get them to do chores for you or buy you things you wouldn’t normally have been allowed to own? If so, will you teach me how to mind control mine? Nick
Nick, My powers cannot be taught to someone like you. My abilities are a gift and part of my prophecy to rule. Since my parents and siblings were easy to manipulate and control, ruling the world is merely a matter of time. As I’ve told your President Dugan, why should I settle for controlling the minds of just a few when I can dominate the minds of the whole world? I encourage you to aim a bit higher, too. Be good!Hi Yuri Prime. Why are you so evil? Don’t take this the wrong way, but there are supervillains out there who are also fun-loving, nice blokes. Why not try to change your scary persona a bit? I reckon all you need is a tan, a sports jacket and jeans, and perhaps a full frontal lobotomy (to get rid of all that freaky mind-control nonsense). Try to relax a bit. Just because you’re a homicidal maniac doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun! Post Office
How rude! Someone called ‘Post Office’ has the nerve to call me ‘scary’ and a ‘homicidal maniac’. You’d make a great Brute. Meet me at my Genetic Mutator next Thursday. Yours sincerely Hi Yuri Prime, In your spare time – if you have any between battles and planning – do you have any hobbies to keep you busy? Model aeroplanes? Painting? Sports? Terrorising civilians? Blowing things up? Playing RA2? Einsteinb
Ah, Einsteinb, it pains me that you do not possess the intelligence of your namesake… My ‘hobby’, as you so quaintly put it, is feeding the weak-willed into my Grinder, converting their bodies into cash with which to fund my efforts to control the minds of the entire world. Be good!Dear Yuri Prime, I was wondering what would happen if you were to fill your mouth with Skittles and do 50 somersaults. After that, you’d do a dead knot with those bits dangling from your head. Would you feel uncomfortable? Oh yeah! When you ‘take over the world’, what will be the nationality of the people? Yurians? Your great-uncle Yucki Poo.
To presume that you and I are related, my dear ‘uncle’, is the greatest of insults! My creation, the Virus, will meet you soon, and she has a special gift for you. By the way, how do YOU look exploding in a cloud of green toxic gas? Yours sincerely Dear Yuri Prime, Ever since Westwood started promoting your expansion pack, you’ve been looking a bit… stoned. Is this because you haven’t been getting enough sleep, due to your final preparations for world conquest? Or have you not been drinking your daily allowance of Psychic Mountain Dew? Or is it because you’ve been experimenting with ‘psychic-mind-power-expanding’ drugs? You know, it’s never too late to stop. You have friends who are willing to help. GreenEclipse
Mr Eclipse, I have no need for narcotics, sleep, nor fizzy drinks, my soon-to-be slave. These are the trappings of those not destined to rule. Your pathetic offers of help are useless. Instead, let Yuri Prime help you by freeing you from all decisions and responsibilities....... Surrender your mind to me...... Your future ruler!Yo! Psychic man, why do you speak in that weird, raspy voice, ‘My command is your wish’? It probably hurts your vocal cords. Have you ever thought about getting it checked out? Darkman
No, my dear Darkman, but those are words you should get used to hearing… Sincerely Yuri Prime, what’s it like to be constantly surrounded by inferior minds? Also, do you feel that your desire to conquer the world stems from the fact that you’ve never had a dog? Perhaps you should get a husky. Jeremy
I’ve had dogs that are more intelligent than the feeble minds you speak of. They have left me no choice but to take over the world, my friend. The feeble-minded of the world will soon realise that Yuri understands what’s best for them, and that there is no need for this ‘free will’. One blast from my Psychic Dominator is all it takes. Until next time!Dear Yuri Prime, When you’re mind-controlling, do you ever pick up a radio signal through that contraption on your head? Does your mind-control device accidentally pick up FM radio instead of the frequency waves from an innocent young GI’s cerebellum tissue? -ZeRo-
It has been known to happen during allergy season. But because of it, I can hardly wait to subject Howard Stern to my Genetic Mutator. Yours sincerely
